In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
