i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
zippers are such a cool invention
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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