I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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