And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
