I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
