then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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