the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
