I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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