If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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