My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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