Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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