Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
