she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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