I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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