Me too!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
