You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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