I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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