While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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