i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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