4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
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I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
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I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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