I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
