its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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