My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
