you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I pour the whiskey from now on
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
