I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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