Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Girls should come with a carfax report
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
