I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
