Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
