I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
