i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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