Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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