That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
