I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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