My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
