Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
