My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
