I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
