Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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