I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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