i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
