Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
