Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
