I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Actions speak louder than pants.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
