Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I need a burrito and a hug.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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