Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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