I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
