and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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