I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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