I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
