hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
