yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
