Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
