I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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