So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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