Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
