The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
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disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
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He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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