apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
