Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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