im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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