Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
